catchyourtears

2012-02-13T00:12:00.001+08:00

Damn stupid..

Fuck I am damn stupid...

Fuck myself man.. Dumb fuck retarded shit
You're just going to die once again.

Ugly and stupid la can.

2012-02-06T20:31:00.004+08:00

Meaningless.. Meaningless life.

Going to be squashed under a mountain full of work again.
Going to be suffocated once again.

Going to go through this once again.

Save me , give me the strength to compete in this sch full of elites

Give me the strength.

I can't give up.. I have no choice

Wished I was in the same class as you..

2012-02-01T00:17:00.002+08:00

I don't want to live anymore.

I'm such a weakling,

I'm tired.

'Who's not?'

Yes, everyone is tired,
But i'm just not strong enough,

This is never going to end.

And the Lost just makes things worst,
Because I have none to depend on,

None to talk to.

Bottle it up, i just have to continue bottling it up.

I am all alone.

2012-01-17T23:36:00.002+08:00

I think.. i need to learn how to

1. think +vely

2. Be happy

Everytime I'm out and i feel comfortable and I'm with my friends or whatever,

i realise I'm still not happy.

And no matter what i do,

I still have this sinking feeling in me.

I want to feel happy.

Like real happy.

But how?

New year, fresh beginning,

Hope this year will be great, hope i'm not as dumb and stupid as ever.

And i really hope this year sec 4's will pull through all these real soon,

because its going to suck.

I need to be happy.

Before all the shit starts again.

2012-01-08T00:09:00.002+08:00

Sunday now.

Glad i'm working today,

work till 11pm, going to tire myself out like crap

so that i can even sleep.

Not even thinking about anything,

Not even hoping.

I've given up.

piece of shit.. always a piece of shit.

fuck... fuck myself....

2012-01-03T21:50:00.004+08:00

Haven blogged in awhile..

Glad i'm actually working

Nowadays my mind dont wander to those thoughts that often

Have been trying my best to push everything to the back of my skull

I just dont want to think about anything.

Avoiding this as badly as i can

You told me that this is not the end,

But to me, every single failure just pulls me back to square one.

I have experienced big failures,

But I'm glad i have managed to crawl over all those obstacles.

Results dropping since sec1 is no joke,

from 50 to 150 to 250.

This.. will be another big failure

And how harshly i come down on myself,

will be another thing to deal with.

Apart from what i'll get from my family, relatives, others..

It might be overwhelming.

And when that time comes,

Do not fuss over me,

Just let me stay in my own shell.

That might just be the best treatment.

2011-12-18T23:24:00.004+08:00

the worst things always happens to me.

fuck why am i always doing things wrongly?

And its such a huge mistake .. Although everyone says its ok its fine

But its not to me alright?

Damnit... Fuck the plates...

I hate letting people down.

So useless, like a pile of shit.

And all i know is cry.

I.. mind what others think a hell lot.

And i'm so sorry ..

Other people would just brush it off and say its fine

But to me, this small mistake is..

F i seriously HATE myself.

cried like a useless piece of shit after that

Happy post.

2011-11-30T00:40:00.004+08:00

Campfire was great!

Much better then the one at coals i think.

Fire was hot like a blast furnace but glad it burnt throughout the night.

Got a job but ha.ha.ha

now i'm terrified.

I'm Still recovering.

Guess it has never ended and will not in the near future.

At least going to campfire,

washing the parade square, helping for the cf structure

keeps me busy.

I'm too tired now to even think.

2011-11-27T16:23:00.005+08:00

I think I need to be insane
I need to be intoxicated,
To be incapable of having rational thoughts
And hope that they will ever visit my mind again

It's eating me up
Bit, by bit.

Guilt, frustration, loss, pain, rejection, failure,

This repetitive cycle is killing me.

Why. Am. I .. So stupid?
I should jolly well know by now how others will judge once I screw it up.

Should just pray that nothing gets any worse,
Or I can't guarantee that these thoughts won't
Consume my soul.

But then again, I would rather be a souless shell so these thoughts
Would never threaten to consume me yet again.

I'm on the brink of losing my sanity

I know what I've done.
And I'm prepared to face it
With my life as payment.

No one can pull me out from this bottomless pit.
For this is reality,
Where being self centered
Is the key for survival.

2011-11-25T20:53:00.000+08:00

I don't think
Anyone
Will ever
Know how
I feel.

2011-11-23T19:23:00.002+08:00

feel so fucked up.

JUST because i'm nice (somewhat) and friendly and amiable (ha.ha)

Doesnt mean i am NICE to Bully.

like WTF Dont push me around ok?

First step of Wanting people to respect you,

is to ResPECT OTHERS.

I'm tolerant, i dont mind bearing all your nonsense,

i dont mind doing shit work,

but just, do. not. ever. push. me. around. like. i'm. crap.

Precisely why i hate having friends, being with my family etc etc

i rather be alone.

and i honestly, hate. your. attitude.

overall,

i loathe you. Seriously HATE you.

2011-11-20T12:40:00.003+08:00

This year has not been easy at all.

Life's like this, if you dont put in hard work,

Then dont expect anything in return.

Just want to tell everyone,

if you dont get what you want,

the only way to go about doing this is to work harder.

and work harder, and persevere.

but then again.. if its so easy i wouldnt have spent the whole year crying.

1. Still feel extremely guilty for orienteering dept during oac.

I dont think i'll ever forgive myself for that mistake.. i shouldnt have let all of you down.

shouldnt have let all the leaders down.. I'm so sorry. So so sorry.

2. Well.. I'm a jinx. CC has given me so much memories but i really regret joining it.

Caused so much trouble.. Mallet.. the flag pole.. I..nvm.

3. PHYSICS. Dear physics, i really really hated you for a period of time but guess what i've finally grown to love you. But no i still hate you ok just love you abit more only thats all. The biggest credit should go to Ms thang. If not for her help.. i'll still be drowning in physics.

4. NP. The best experience ever, i'm so glad i joined it. At least now i know how to cook my own meals outdoor and all those cc skills .. Np's a cca that you may not like at first, but you'll grow to love it. Not missing those times when we had changing of course !! thats a nightmare but at least i learnt something, the sense of urgency and to help others in need.

5. Studies. Well.. I have so much to talk about this. Gave up so many things for studies, even myself. But its going to get a whole lot worst soon.. Just hoping for the best.

When you feel as though the world's crashing down on you

just cry.

I didnt mention you at all, I have totally given up already.
You were gone long before I could bid goodbye

2011-11-20T12:39:00.001+08:00

reckon no one comes here anymore ha.

going to post a real long post about these 4 years soon.

2011-11-12T17:49:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I do things for a reason.

So please, stop judging me if you don't actually
Know me inside out

I'm Just.. Weird.

Just being me.

Well.. Everyone thinks so as well.

Hate it
when good intentions
Are misunderstood

2011-11-08T00:49:00.003+08:00

Such a beautiful world,
Moulded by hands of god
Yet we forced on it another life
Tainted by the hands of mankind

How do we love our world, our home
When evil lurks in darkness and light

We are the worst existence of life

Once again, I'm just going to reap what I sow.

But then again, what did I sow?

Am I even expecting something in return?

2011-10-25T18:59:00.003+08:00

i have nothing more to lose.

i have lost everything.

I have nothing more to lose.

Know i'll have to face it yet again,

why do i always screw up big stuff?

my fault, i know.

thats why i detest myself so much

dont want to live anymore.

my grandma once said i have a short life.

these days the only source of comfort i have is my grandma.

and if she's gone.. i'll be gone too.

i cannot even look into your eyes.

I feel a pang of guilt even when i eat my dinner.

I dont deserve this mum, dont deserve you treating me so well.

i suck, big time.

2011-10-25T07:55:00.000+08:00

I can just forget about going all those JCs

Hard work never pays off....

Never

2011-10-24T11:26:00.001+08:00

Help ....

Do well please.....

Do well.....

Do well............

Before thy feet we bow

2011-10-21T14:29:00.000+08:00

I'm losing it.

I need you, but I can't go to you.

I'm really losing it

bleak

2011-10-15T19:42:00.003+08:00

stress...

i think i might just die under the hands of this word one day.

o levels might not mean everything to you

but it means the world to me.

2011-10-14T17:22:00.001+08:00

Sometimes.. I should be selfish.
Sigh just lost 3 hours waiting just because
I don't want to disturb others...

Stupid me but this is me sigh nvm..

O levels is not a test of capabilities
It's a test of your mental strength .

And I'm so fuxking weak .

Burn my soul

2011-10-12T17:20:00.001+08:00

2011-10-12T17:09:00.002+08:00

you know what?

i'm very stupid.

Not kidding, i'm very stupid.

Not degrading myself either, i'm very stupid.

People get stuff in 10 seconds, i take 10 minutes.

People do stuff in 1 min, i take 10 minutes

And i dont even know if i'm on the right track now,

whether i'm doing enough, whether i'm trying hard enough,

this feeling sucks alright?

I've been holding back for 1 year, bet its going to get a whole lot worst next year

you telling me, Whats there to worry about?

Everything.

worried about my progress, about my grades,

whether i can do well

whether i'm ok, worry about losing control,

worry about me losing everything.

Everything that i've been working hard for a year now.

If i do badly, (dont say its not possible, everything's effing possible because no one fucking cares about the process and only the results)

then what have i been working hard for this whole year?

I think i'm slacking like FUCK

i'm not doing FUCKING enough

i'm not doing enough.

TELL ME IF I AM ALRIGHT

TELL ME IF I AM ON THE RIGHT TRACK

TELL ME IF I AM OK

PLEASE.

2011-10-05T19:27:00.002+08:00

Beyond terrified.

Dreams, goals, i do have one.

But right now, i dont know even know whats my definite goal.

Beyond terrified,

Next two weeks will be hell,

I'll be all alone in my shell.

Believing should be the hardest thing ever

Never ending, never ending.

Perpetual

Last lap, let me last through this please.

Got to give it my all, and in the end if i dont get what i want and need,

i.. just got to accept

Need to talk to someone so badly but no i rather bottle it all up.

Want to cry so hard but once tears came to my eyes,

i kept it all within me instead.

in my shell,

Survive.

2011-09-29T05:11:00.001+08:00

I wonder why...

Sigh.. Know where The problem lies
And have no idea why it doesn't affect me

Tired I guess.

More tired of physics actually.

2011-09-22T19:07:00.003+08:00

Tired really tired

Tired of physics.

2011-09-17T13:39:00.001+08:00

NOTHING ever seems enough

2011-09-11T22:43:00.003+08:00

Why, do you have to kill so many people???
They didnt even do anything to all of you...

You should experience the pain of getting burnt alive
And feeling so desperate that the only way to survive
is to commit suicide.

All of you should just go straight to hell.

2011-09-09T21:27:00.002+08:00

i always tell myself not to give up,

to hold on,

persevere..

all will be worth it in the end.

but sometimes, everything...

it becomes too much. too much for me to bear.

I'm so sorry. Sorry to myself, to my parents to teachers to everybody.

I'm really a failure.

Sorry for not trying hard enough.. for not being good enough.

i keep everything to myself, hoping that at the end of the day, i'll be too tired

too tired to think about anything else.

Account to myself. i got to account to myself.

2011-09-07T20:01:00.000+08:00

I am
Completely
Broken

Finished.

2011-09-06T19:37:00.002+08:00

never enough, never enough.

my best is never enough, and i'm not even giving my best.

define best define it................

damn screwed and dont tell me i'm not screwed i'm fine

thats gibberish..

so many things undone and when can i ever finish.

hurts like hell why does it hurt every single day...........

i'm a piece of shit..

you're right, i'm a piece of shit..

2011-09-03T20:47:00.003+08:00

If I was me last year around this time,
I would have made a better choice
I would have told you everything
I would have made you feel better

————

Said this numerous times before

But I really f hate myself.

For being the way I am
For being so stupid

For being stupid

Stupid

2011-09-02T11:43:00.001+08:00

i will survive the next whole week.

i will.

2011-08-30T16:55:00.002+08:00

Didn't I tell you I'm a very sensitive person?
I can see through people's character and into their thoughts

Wonder when all this will end,
Maybe next year , maybe next next.
I can't wait to get out of this place

And I know you think likewise.

2011-08-29T19:49:00.003+08:00

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no - one there
To dry your tears
__________________________________________

all's gone.. all's gone.

2011-08-26T01:05:00.001+08:00

WHY THE F am I so stupid???

Why am I always understanding things slower then others???

Why do I always take twice the effort to do things that others can just simply accomplish??

Why THE F AM I SO FUCKING DUMB?????????????????????

FUCK MYSELF ASSHOLE BASTARD I HATE MYSELF

ARGH

2011-08-25T18:39:00.004+08:00

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change
Are blowing wild and free

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

______________________________________________________________________

p2 has ended..

Surprisingly, no happiness, not a single feeling of relief at all

Now, there's nothing between us and o levels

Sigh.

Wanted to just sit and vent my frustrations and cry at school but changed my mind

went out with classmates to some great hawker centre!!

Should have bought more tau huay for my popo..

I find it so hard to pen my thoughts down

Everything's just a big mess up in my head

I'm feeling scared terrified happy frustrated all at the same time

My sentences are so disjointed

Life.. used to mean something to me as i had goals.

I want to grow up, be a policewoman and nab criminals (sounds stupid..)

but now.. it seems bleak.

Its like behind this huge mountain,

and i'm almost at the top of it.

But everytime i take a step, i double back two.

How, and when will i ever reach the top?

Its so difficult. Its really difficult. The air up there is so thin i can't breathe.

2011-08-23T21:47:00.002+08:00

Everytime i do physics , I feel like F
Because I feel so so dumb.

Just want to cry ..

This year , I've learnt a very valuable lesson
Never going to let my heart out, never going to put so mch effort into doing anything else other then studies
It's not worth it in the end, and at least putting effort for studies gives me good grades

Just need to cry like fuck

And I'll face O's with a strong heart

2011-08-20T20:07:00.002+08:00

dont understand why i dont feel stress

and not feeling stress = not good at all ...

going to screw this up once again

ha knew it all along didnt you..

you always screw up..

screw up like fuck and then cry..

cry over spilt milk...

damn it

why..... why am i becoming like this.

_______________________________

i can feel it yknow, i'm an extremely sensitive person

2011-08-15T12:43:00.002+08:00

So fucking dumb I can't stand myself

Really hate this body this face this brain this fuckig person

2011-08-14T22:11:00.002+08:00

Right now , I really want to cry

Dear god,
Please help me get through this tough period.

Its scary that I dont see myself surviving till after o's
Suicide... Really hope I won't resort to it
Really hate escaping and giving up but I'm sorry I'm not as
Strong as you think I may be

Studied hard, reap what I sow, impossible is nothing

2011-08-11T19:30:00.001+08:00

After prelim 2
I will hide in my little cOrner
And cry

And after that
I'm going to learn from this
And stand up
Stronger then ever

Before

2011-08-10T19:07:00.002+08:00

Crying like fuck

I'm too stupid f my self

Everything's not okay I need someone to talk to

I need to cry I need to shout

Crying like fuck, help

2011-08-08T19:41:00.004+08:00

dying.....

There's just so many mountains
Pit falls filled with doubt
I'm dying to know
Grip until it bleeds

i can't take it anymore,

i can't do this anymore,

i can't do it anymore,

i want to cry i want to shout i want to tell you

that i hate this life and i want it all to end

it sucks

its too pain

too much pain to bear

2011-08-07T13:16:00.002+08:00

didnt try hard enough

just didnt try hard enough

consequences............................

my life is all about regrets.

dont want to live anymore..........................

i hate failing.. and if i cant maintain this time round..

but you deserve it you didnt even study enough

idontwanttodothisanymorei'mdyingicanttakeitidontwanttofallyetagain

idontwanttofailicanttakeitanymorewhyiamalivewhy????????????????????

2011-07-30T23:27:00.001+08:00

After all these times...

Do you really believe I'm such a person?

Have you heard things from me ?

Now everything really seems meaningless

2011-07-25T22:33:00.002+08:00

i cannot believe that i left my geo tb in school.

totally hate myself SO MUCH right now i'm supposed to finish n.v TODAY.

i'm really going to fail prelim 2

must not sink into it.

but life is getting meaningness once again.

2011-07-21T22:55:00.004+08:00

probably the reason why i hate having friends...

i have always been such a pessimist and no one will ever be able to convince me out of it

because there's no point, whats the point of looking at things on the bright side?

i dont want to fall

i rather look at things on the bad side and stay there because i'll never fall as badly as i would if i had taken a positive outlook to life

there is simply no positive outlook.

and there's always a limit to what i can take,

and that boundary has actually been getting wider and wider throughout the years

as i learnt to be more tolerant to others,

trying my best to maintain a good relationship with almost everybody

and agreeing to every request

but what has it brought me to?

relationships are such a chore,

its just the reason why i hate opening up to others,

because they wont understand, no one gets it

no one gets it

i'm in a world of my own,

i'll shut others out

not saying that i dont appreciate whatever that you all have done.

grateful definitely.

___________________________________________________________

p2 is coming closer,

quite damn sure i'll do v badly not kidding not being a pessimist

constantly tell myself how shit i'm doing,

in this way i wont fall so badly

i wont fall so badly.

tired of every single thing.

not at breaking point yet fortunately.

totally hate myself for not stressing myself out.

want to cry but there's

no tears anymore

2011-07-18T22:20:00.000+08:00

I can't finish ... I can't I really cannot .
I'm sorry for being so stupid

2011-07-17T14:38:00.003+08:00

i'm finally back to norm

Managed to overcome the past few days

Hope it doesnt come to visit me again

got to study hard for prelim 1

there's just too many things to do.

too many and too little time to spare.

2011-07-15T12:18:00.001+08:00

Can I just die now

Just let me die please

I'm so sorry for being so stupid

For not being good enough

For not being smart

2011-07-14T21:56:00.002+08:00

definitely going to go on a mission trip after O's.

i see no point in living anymore
need to find a purpose in life to keep me going.

sometimes,

i really wished i was never ever alive

2011-07-13T20:25:00.002+08:00

Life is so meaningless

Why live?

Why live.

2011-07-13T11:09:00.002+08:00

Going to fail my prelim 2
What's wrong with me

Need to go to hell
I need tO wake up
I need to wake up

2011-07-10T20:11:00.002+08:00

i dont get it why must we do a frigging sel project

when the school knows that we must study???????

and its what 5 weeks to prelim 2 and i didnt study anything today???

Last monday and tuesday was the worst days of my life

felt so frustrated that it even affected my work i couldn't even concentrate

and my mind was just inundated with thoughts of death depression pills blood

these thoughts will definitely become more frequent,

now that prelim 2 is looming closer then ever.

i hate this i want to study so badly

but i couldnt and i didnt today.

just want to cry so badly now bet everyone studied like hell

2011-07-07T00:25:00.004+08:00

i feel so dumb every single day

i can't tell anyone how shit i'm feeling right now

why are there so many things that i dont know how to do???????

why am i so fucking STUPID.

why does those things that i dont know how to do seem like a piece of cake to others?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

i felt so horrible today that i even contemplated doing

something that i will, never, ever, do.

i'm crying i'm breaking i'm really damn dumb

i hate this body i hate this me

i want to fucking mutilate this body but i wont

i'm going to get depression soon.

WHY AM I SO STUPID????????????????????

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????

2011-07-02T20:02:00.001+08:00

2011-06-30T21:00:00.003+08:00

why am i so stupid?

why didnt i plan my time properly.

why am i so stupid..................

2011-06-28T21:42:00.002+08:00

everything was just fake...

love it when you're drunk cause thats when i'll know the thoughts in your head.

always thought i was hopeless.. i know i am.

always thought i was stupid... i know i am.

telling me to stop trying because i'm stupid nothing can change that ..

i know i'm stupid.

i know.

and i have no idea why i'm trying so hard

for what?

because eventually, to you, i'm stupid.

2011-06-26T02:09:00.001+08:00

just end it please.

2011-06-21T17:30:00.001+08:00

2011-06-19T21:36:00.003+08:00

No one will see

Fragments of me

Like a broken Glass

Like a broken soul

can't express fully how much i hate myself.

School's starting, 4 weeks to prelim 2

i should just go to hell

regret regret

king of thieves,

take it take everything.

take the stars the moon and the sun,

2011-06-16T16:53:00.004+08:00

dont think anyone will see this cause all i do is rant about studies in my blog but

dear aether

GOOD LUCK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

know you guys will own this camp !!!!!! (DUH)

rmb to see the night sky during campfire its really awesome...

oh do the high elements ok v fun all must go try.

ok i think this is like my happiest post in hmm 2 months i guess..

i finally understood ac gen and dc motor.

to me thats a big accomplishment and i bet others just think its a piece of cake.

2011-06-09T12:15:00.002+08:00

I have this stuffy feeling inside of me and it's growing. I need to vent it.

I want to scream so so fucking badly
I want to scream until my lungs rupture, until I lose my voice entirely.
I want to cry, cry until my eyes totally dry up and I don't have to see this world anymore.

Yes fine I'm such a fucking weak thing, I cnt even stand the stress of education
I WANT THIS TO END I Realy do I REALLY FUCKING DO

Stop telling me to take a break and chill and say that I'm too stressed up and shit
Because how am I supposed to take a break when there's so many things so study???
And it's not like I don't take breaks, I take thousands of them and
I HATE MY SELF

I have no idea why this freaking stuffy feeling in me is growing, it sucks I hate it
Please help me get rid of it.

i'm so scared, I'm so scared oh god please help me please give me strength and faith to carry
On walking this endless journey of pain.

I'm so scared for prelim 2 I'm so scared for o levels I screwed up psle
I'm so scared I cannot finish studying I'm so scared for bio mock I'm so scared for physics mock
I'm so scared that I cnt do better then my prelim 1 I'm so scared of failing I don't want to fall.

Oh god please .. Please give me the faith, help me... Give me strength please give me strength.
Because I'm losing it all over again I'm losing my faith I'm losing everything

I'm scared I'm angry I'm frustrated I really hate myself and with all these emotions jumbled up
Together I'm

Really.

Collapsing.

2011-06-04T10:34:00.002+08:00

just one word of encouragement and trust from you .

Is it that hard?????

How can you not trust what i tell you??

Tell you i got a1 you think i got c5 or sth and that what i'm hiding results from you??
Now you want check sch website.

I have better things to do.

Srsly whats wrong with you????

reap. What i sow.

2011-06-03T23:56:00.004+08:00

I'm happy, happy but its not enough

I feel so thankful.

from sec 3 eye, my l1r5 improved by 11 points.
This is overwhelming, the last time I did well in exams was in sec 1
can you imagine what I'm feeling right now?
I've done it, I've finally achieved results after 3 years.

And now I'm scared. Planned my studying schedule and it scares me,
I'm afraid all that I have achieved will get the best of me.

No I must not be overconfident, I really feel like slapping myself in the face
And pull myself out of this tiny happy bubble that I rather I didn't even have it in the first place.

Work hard , I got to work hard, I got to work harder.
I got to rmb that all these success didn't come easy at all.
I got to find the motivation, but I'm just so so tired of this endless cycle of studying and studying.

Hard work...

I will reap what I sow.
Rmb this p, I will reap what I sow.

Tonight I wiil cry, and tomorrow will be fine,
Let it all out.. Let it all out.

I feel so stressed. So so stressed up.

I need. To. Carry.on.

Just carry on, just carry on,

2011-06-01T16:56:00.002+08:00

Such a useless piece of shit... Well you've known that all along didn't you??

Screwed up shooting, cannot even grasp physics and everyone around me
Looks as though it's like a total piece of cake...

I honestly am sorry to g.l.. Didn't do my best for the bio paper..
And yet I've always loved that subject.
This is my fault..

Why am I so close to my breaking point yet again??
I am so close, so close to just tearing myself apart after physics today.
Such a weak person, not even performing and still slacking away..

Physics always , always make me feel like crying.
Why can't I grasp things as fast as others?
Is it because I'm really dumb...

Feel so so horrible now.

My phone's wallpaper is mrs lim's 'you did it!'sticker
And that's what has been keeping me motivated,
I did it once, I can do it again.

I really want to cry,
I really want to cry.

2011-05-28T20:38:00.002+08:00

Guess what, I'm really freaking sorry, I mean it .

But I'm fucking angry because all this shit, it's not even my fault.
Dude, I got to face scolding from my dad, I got to explain things, and now you're pissed off.

Not angry with you but I'm just angry with myself alright??
Angry with my life, with myself, angry with how things Always turn out.

Always got to cancel stuff, tell ppl I can't make it,
Try my best to go for things I can and then run home

And no one gets it. Just think I pon la srsly.

I get the disappointment but if I can make it, I will right??

Try getting scolding at home, and angry Ppl at school,
Ya I'm like right smack in the middle of all this shit.

Forget it man, its my life, just go back to studying and forget about everything
And just smile when go to sch or something cause well in the end,
It'll still be me tolerating all the scoldings and pacifying my friends

I can't do this anymore

2011-05-27T23:20:00.003+08:00

Sheer hard work...
But hard work can only get you that far.
I'm dropping, I'm falling
And if next Thursday and Friday proves that i'm really just a useless piece of shit..
How will I pick myself up.

I've learnt so much more about myself the past year,
I've definitely grown,
I did work hard, but your best will never be enough

I'm scared and this feeling of being a useless piece of shit
Is eating me up
Inside out outside in

All this thoughts are growing day by day,
I tell myself, yes you'll be fine.. You'll be fine..

Want to cry so so badly, scream and shout into my pillow,
No one gets it, no one gets it,

Having to face myself after getting my results, where did I go wrong?
and having to face
All the disappointment and scoldings at home,

I feel bad enough.

I hate being watched at, being spied upon.

Just carry on, just carry on,
Just carry . On.

I'm sorry, For being such a useless shit
For being so weak,
Not able to withstand all these,

Must be strong.

But how..

2011-05-26T22:00:00.003+08:00

i feel like crap.

2011-05-22T18:46:00.003+08:00

Can you please stop telling me to StuDY?????????????
Give.me.a.break. I'll start soon okay???????

STOP TELLING ME TO STUDY
FINE I WILL FINE FINE FINE FINE

Do I look like I don't know my limits??
That I'll just squander my whole holiday away??

Fuck it just shut up

2011-05-17T18:02:00.002+08:00

feel so tired,

and so dumb

really want to just tear myself apart inside out and outside in and whatever

strength.. give me the strength

2011-05-15T20:49:00.002+08:00

will reap what i sow.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.

but every failure to me matters alot,

i want to succeed.

yeah and i say all these shit and yet i still dont want to work harder,

you're just going to reap what you sow ...

i'm just going to reap what i sow.

so afraid of failing again,

i've fell so many times to get to where i finally am,

everytime after release of results i'll cry,

but i wont shed tears anymore.

really afraid of failing,

dont know if i'm able to get up again.

2011-05-14T18:51:00.003+08:00

trying...

trying......

i can do this..

i can..

i want to achieve.

but have i done enough?

i want to cry so so badly

2011-05-11T22:01:00.002+08:00

if you dont want to let yourself down yet again,

then do what you need to.

its possible.

i can only hope that i'll breathe again

when it's over i'll breathe again

2011-05-06T14:46:00.002+08:00

Have Faith.

Its the last lap.

Falling apart but,

have faith.

_________________________________________________________

wanted to cross the finishing line at 34 59 but failed.

x crty was fun, met mr leng half way and we were like

Mr leng we're going through anaerobic respiration!

2011-05-02T15:47:00.003+08:00

reflect reflect

Everytime it comes down to exams

i have no idea how i got past so many examinations

And i tell myself that one more doesnt make a difference,

Just do it Properly

And i found out, i really reflected over it.

All these while, i haven been able to be composed, to keep my cool,

and thats why i aint thinking straight during exams.

I really hope to just walk out of the examination hall once, just once,

smiling, knowing that i've been able to think with my head

and keep my cool, just that one time.

I've been deproving real bad,

People think i'm doing real well but its not true, not true at all.

tried hard last year but did badly as i wasnt thinking with my head.

How many times do i want to let myself down? or is it just that i'm really

not putting enough effort in for it.

i Dont think i've tried my best for this,

i will reap what i sow.

i dont even know whats the best that i can try.

I'm losing faith, trying to keep myself together

yes, you can do this, you can do well for once.

I need this,

i need to do well, i need the motivation,

I fell so many times, i really lost count.

Fight fire with fire,

impossible is nothing.

2011-05-01T21:37:00.000+08:00

i'm just gonna reap what i sow

2011-05-01T00:30:00.002+08:00

slacker slacker you're such a slacker dont cry when prelim results come back cause you deserve it you're a piece of shit you better work harder please work harder you need this you need this to keep you going you know you can do it its just a bit more its just one chance for you to give it all just do it just continue reading dont slack dont slack do it just do it come on you got to do this for yourself for yrself. i suck...

2011-04-28T00:15:00.003+08:00

the sweetest eyes i've ever seen, this song is for you, the brightest smile i've ever seen, eternity til forever.

NP.

2011-04-26T20:05:00.003+08:00

POP has ended, my journey as a cedar np cadet has finally come to an end.

i still remembered how i dread parades and changing,

how i wished every changing can just disappear,

thinking when will i ever become an nco and just slack... (haha)

and how i strive so hard to overcome my own limits in changing, and

perform better in everything.

i still remembered how much a bitch i was in Sec 1,

I was so rude to everyone!! attitude problem,

but i tried my best to change, and i did it !!

Phoenix is really the funniest squad ever.

I think we quarrelled for like 4 years!

Conflict here, conflict there,

and everyone said we couldnt make it, we were lousy, we cannot match up to others.

Yes we have our bad points,

but we persevered,

We wanted to prove people wrong.

We always did wrong things, always get scoldings cause of our grave mistakes,

but we got through it.

and Now, we've poped, and i'm really happy to be in Phoenix.

We got through all this nonsense together,

and we are finally much closer then we've ever been.

It has been a great journey phoenix, i thank you for all this memorable times.

When everyone tells us that us that we're lousy,

we still have our squadmates to depend on. (:

As for being an Nco,

i am proud to say that i have put in my best effort,

I have learnt that scolding and punishing people is not the best way to teach.

Its more of explaining, encouraging and motivating.

With constant motivation, they will begin to spur themselves on,

and reach for the skies with their OWN capabilities.

I am really happy to take Aether,

it has been such a great experience, i dont think i'll ever forget.

All those laughter, all those nonsense..

Its all in the past, It will never happen again,

but we'll all remember it as it has really been the best time of our lives.

I have so much more to say and to be thankful of.

Phoenix, we've got through all this,

we've made it to the end where everyone once said we wont ever succeed.

We did it phoenix, we've made on impact on the unit, and brought

cedar Npcc to much greater heights.

I'll never forget all the times, especially those times when we had thrashing

and nothing comes out of it!

Aether, you've really been a great great squad.

I believe all of you can be a much better ncos then us,

Strive to the best of your capabilities,

i know and have faith that all of you will be great great leaders.

I have learnt so many things from all of you,

and I really hope that we've made you into better cadets, better people.

And your presents were great, really great.

best ever!

Its the end, but we will not stop there,

Phoenix will last on forever,

and our legacy remains.

Cedar Np has really made me into a better person.

i miss Np already.

2011-04-19T21:22:00.002+08:00

life, eternity, forever,

Can't resurrect the setting sun,

Trying to lay the ghost to rest,

Finger shaking on the trigger.

All the truth are lies

2011-04-18T15:36:00.008+08:00

oh... so now i know..

no wonder it was so sudden.. right after that 'mon' thing

and here was i thinking what mon??

now i know that its actually for the two of you la.

ya... feel totally like FUCK because wasnt even TOLD about it.

and i still thought it was to show appreciation...

one year could't even amount to a day

i have seriously failed.

still thought that we are alright, not v good but alright.

but now?

we are just useless and crap...

compared to what you did?

we are really useless... all that emotional talk thing just couldnt come out of our mouth..

and what we really feel inside remains inside because we just cant express ourselves.

so we appear not to care.

well i guess thats that.

not gg to care anymore because well there are SO MANY ppl to care.

not jealous or anything but the fact that it happened right after talking?

shows how much we've failed to impact them

and you're really good. no, this is not sarcasm or anything but you're really good at all this motivational thing.

oh and today is a week after and the thing seems like it happened yesterday!

so i know today its like alright la.

all the truth are lies.

wtf? and i still felt so happy, so appreciated, thought it was for what we did

but now i feel so cheated and disgusted.

i got it , its never meant for us, its meant for 2 people.

seriously felt hurt for the very first time in months.

im unreasonable? compared to what happened and what you did

im still unreasonable?

and one more person is about to get hurt from what you just did.

and that person will suffer for 2 more years before being able to relieve the pain.

guilt, dude, guilt.

i see how you'll deal with it by allowing it to happen.

never going to believe any of this ever again,

all that stuff...

all the truth are lies.

the lock has no key.

2011-04-17T19:43:00.002+08:00

keeping it all to my self because i know it'll nvr work out and no one will get hurt

2011-04-17T10:50:00.003+08:00

really really sorry if we can go we'll definitely go... sigh... need to do well..

2011-04-11T06:26:00.003+08:00

its monday morning

i woke up and i asked myself

why am i like this.

friday - camp

sat - camp eng tuition

sun - chem

camp was alright.

i srsly hate myself, why aren't you studying??

i did, but not enough.

and its 2 weeks left to exam and why aren't you studying??

i want to be homeschooled...

yes you were sick but thats an excuse.

its you its you , p you're not trying hard enough.

and if you dont push yourself to study more,

you're just going to be a loser again.

i feel horrible.

i need to study.

i want to fall and cry so hard but if i do,

i got to stand up again.

this sucks i suck.

2011-04-09T22:23:00.003+08:00

I hate myself... always talk rubbish.. cannot say what i want to say...sigh i dont think i put in my best, feel so inferior infront of all previous .. dont think you understood what i'm trying to say. sigh. im such a horrible.... Im such a failure... im gg to fail my prelim 1 too...

2011-04-06T22:58:00.004+08:00

losing the motivation...

this sucks with everything coming at once

all's not done

im done for...

just abit more.. (who am i kidding)

just abit more..

its how much you actually want it.

2011-04-02T23:05:00.002+08:00

i hate studying with a splittling headache. and its ge and ss somemore. i'm dead... come on p... study.............................

2011-03-25T23:31:00.004+08:00

No one understands, no one knows, as my world collapses. The mask you put on, all A facade, and only under the stars and moonlight, will i ever see into your inner self.I pretend not to care, but it proved too much for me to handle, the pain of knowing that your best isnt enough, without real solid proof. Your care and concern, are they just an act and for show, in efforts to maintain that sea of lies Beneath your facade, indeed it lies a horrifying sight, one that caused pain, suffering, and you will never get a chance to see it. its right infront of you, but you're blinded by the proof. intoxicated; words thAt you shouted,all disappears into the night, with no sigh of its traces when the dAwn arrives and the serial continues:

2011-03-20T20:36:00.001+08:00

today was cool, i got to FLEW A KITE.

i swear flying kites is the funnest thing on earth

i failed horribly but i want to fly kite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-03-13T21:38:00.003+08:00

Its my fault.

Wasting my time, not doing work, doing other things...

Im wasting my own time and whose fault is this?

its MY FAULT.

i really hate myself, why am i not putting in effort to stop this.

from this moment onwards,

i am not going to waste time,

im going to do work, break do work again

I AM SO GOING TO DO WORK

I HATE IT WHEN I PROCRASTINATE THE FEELING AFTER THAT SUCKS.

I will do work, this time im determined i really am determined and i shall not post till prelim 1 ends.

I will think of how happy i feel after doing lots of work.

I will do work, do work.

Its yr fault p, its something you can stop and you better take action.

2011-03-06T00:20:00.001+08:00

2. sigh. 2 more months..

you better buck up.. stop procrastinating..

2011-02-28T23:25:00.003+08:00

i just researched on asean for 2 hours..

and idk if its helpful or am i just wasting my time

which could otherwise be used for studying my sciences..

i better go finish up ss notes and start studying some stuff

or i wont be able to sleep peacefully

2011-02-28T21:12:00.003+08:00

i still remember during stc,

we had campfire under the night sky

and it was such a breathtaking sight,

cause the sky practically shone with so many stars.

it was so beautiful.

it really looked just like this.

really want to go back and look at the stars.

and pray. pray that all this will pass soon.

We're just trying to find some meaning

In the things that we believe in

2011-02-26T23:56:00.001+08:00

am i studying smart??

2011-02-25T21:13:00.004+08:00

i will never break these chains that bind me.

others say i should relax.

but am i even doing enough?

others might be even doing more.

i want to cry out loud so badly,

scream and shout and ask if im doing enough,

ask if im fine,

ask it im coping well.

telling myself that i need to push myself harder, do more and more.

but is it even matching up to what other people do?

study smart, am i studyign smart??

perhaps one day i really will crumble,

i will cry out loud and scream til my lungs burst

and i'll wipe away my tears,

and carry on.

i will never break this chain that binds me,

because i hold the key.

just carry on

2011-02-25T00:18:00.001+08:00

oh god i slacked like hell today

wanted to take a break and now..

so angry with myself.

2011-02-24T20:32:00.003+08:00

today was ok cause physics spa was fine.. i think i did fine...

my values were to wrong dp.. but otherwise ok (i think)

bio test today sucked..

sigh i studied so so hard for it i think i read the 4 chaps each 4 times or more

and really did practices and all but..

i had no time to do 6 mark worth of question..

my a1 just flew away..

and bio so hard to score somemore srsly p you suck man shld have done faster...

expected myself to do really really well since i had put in so much effort..

but sigh as expected,

i did not achieve what i wanted again.....

why am i always letting myself down....

2011-02-18T23:09:00.003+08:00

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

im trying

im trying.

am i really trying?

how much is enough til you can say you're trying??

so easy, so easy,

i just need something really small to trigger it.

and i'll fall ,

fall and break apart.